Did I really say that?

Dear Mark: I recently heard you on a radio show where you stated that your #1 gambling tip was “Don’t Gamble.” I took it as lighthearted advice, but really, is that your number #1 tip when it comes to gambling?  Doug D.

From time-to-time, talk radio stations will call and ask if can I spare a few minutes and yap about gambling. Being a bit of a loose cannon, I can’t predict what malarkey will flow from my mouth, but in this case, you heard me correctly. Well, sort of.

Yes, Doug, I was being a tad flippant. But the reasoning behind my “lighthearted” statement was that after almost 35 years in the casino business, I know that over 95% of casino patrons who frequent the Green Felt Jungle do not cope successfully against an industry whose sole professional purpose is to send them home empty-handed. Moreover, the common denominator among that same 95% of players is that they are all making bets they shouldn’t be making; which dooms any chance of their success against the house. Therefore, what are my three favorite tips that will instantly move a player from the 95% up into the top 5%?

• Only make bets that have less than a two percent house edge.

• Only bet what you can afford to lose.

• … and a simple principle I offer to all those who gamble; The smarter you play the luckier you’ll be.

Of course, Doug, there are a whole lot more tips where those came from. So, if you are interested, I just released in audio format, Casino Tips That Will Save You Some Serious Ka-ching.

Casino Tips That Will Save You Some Serious Ka-ching is jam-packed with tips on money management; the three most popular casino games (slots, video poker and blackjack); the best and worst bets in the casino; getting your fair share of comps, and much more. The soundtrack has over 100 minutes of my favorite casino tips, all for less than one yank of a slot handle – $0.99.

I suggest you, and other savvy readers, scrounge up four quarters easily found in the cushion of your Lazy Boy chair, and digitally download Casino Tips That Will Save You Some Serious Ka-ching at cdbaby.com. Just search “Mark Pilarski” or by the title for the MP3 download. For those of you without an MP3 music device or internet access, solicit the 13-year-old kid across the street who overcharges you $30 to cut your lawn, hand him a dollar so he can download a copy, and he’ll be able to burn you a CD. Show him this column, and he will know exactly what I’m talking about.

If you feel you are a know-it-all gamester who doesn’t need oodles of essential tips to avoid being wrung dry by the gambling industry, then at least revert to my original tip; “Don’t Gamble.”

Dear Mark: What is the biggest advantage that the casino has over the player in the game of blackjack? Ed C.

The ONLY advantage the casino has over the player in blackjack is that the casino plays last. If you bust, and so does the dealer, the house already has your hard-earned money in the tray, with the casino all smiles.

To wipe that grin off their face, player skills are actually what determines your success at blackjack. The dealer isn’t going to beat you; he or she merely gives you the opportunity to beat yourself.

Gambling Wisdom of the Week: “Casinos don’t like to use the word “gambling” anymore. The euphemism of choice is “gaming.” But you’re not there to play games. You’re there to gamble, with all the inherent risks. Don’t be fooled by the casinos little word games.” – John Gollehon, A Gamblers Little Instruction Book (1994)

Luck goes south for slot player

Dear Mark: My luck with slots has gone kaput. I am to a point where I feel slots don’t pay at all. What is an old-time slot player to do? Ted Y.

I can tell you, Ted, with 100 percent certainty that all slot machines dependably pay. They pay the casino’s mortgage, those neon light bills, and all the employees’ salaries. They also pay millions in profits to the casino owners and stockholders. Unfortunately, being an “old-time” slot player, you just happen to be on the bottom end of that food chain.

I feel your pain, Ted. Nowadays, you insert a coin, pull the handle, and then reach into your wallet for more money. You should come to expect that result when the house has such an enormous built-in edge on slots compared to the other games the casino offers.

The only slots you should be playing are at casinos that advertise machines that have a 98 plus percent payback. True, it’s a treasure hunt finding these high payback machines with no real trail of clues. If you look closely at the advertisement, it will probably say, “on select machines.” What's more, the payback percentage probably won’t be posted on the machine itself, and can be limited to a single bank of machines within the casino. To find them, you need to ask a slot employee, and if he or she doesn’t know, have one of them ask a direct supervisor.

I don’t play slots, Ted. It goes against my creed; “only make bets that have less than a two percent house edge.” I do know that in gaming jurisdictions locals typically don’t play dog machines, and usually play machines with the most cluck-for-the-buck. So when searching for high payback machines, ask a few employees where the locals find the best slot value.

My other recommendation, Ted, is that since you’re playing these electronic gizmos anyway, how about playing video poker instead? Even poor play on a video poker machine will have a better payback than most “reel” slot machines.

Dear Mark: Where I play, on the weekends they bump up the minimum table limits at blackjack to $10, and sometimes even as high as $25. The table maximum on some of these same games is $500. I know that I am not getting the better of it with these high table minimums, but is restricting my play to a $500 maximum wager to my advantage, or the casino? Chuck D.

All the advantage of high table minimums and a low table maximum goes to the casino, Chuck, and here’s why. Casinos win for two reasons. First, they have statistical edge on every game, and second, they have a bigger bankroll than you do.

As for the latter, Chuck, it’s a simple concept called “gambler’s ruin.” Essentially, it’s how long will it take you—with your limited finances—to lose everything to a casino, which has a relatively infinite wad of cash. Even a short-term winning streak against the house is no match against a casino with an infinite stake. The casino can, and will, outlast you.

Another problem with playing the high minimums/low maximums limits, is that this scenario eliminates low-stakes betting with those high minimums. In addition, the ability to parlay your winnings by increasing your bets is removed with the low maximums.

My concern here, Chuck, is that when you play under these conditions, and you happen to be a low roller, with the slightest swing going the wrong way, you’re tapped out in mere minutes.

Gambling Wisdom of the Week: Gaming is an enchanting witchery, gotten betwixt idleness and avarice; An itching disease, that makes some scratch the head, whilst others, as if they, were bitten by a Tarantula, are laughing themselves to death:
–Charles Cotton The Compleat Gamester 1674